I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
