Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
