Betty ford says i'm here all night
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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