you traded sex for a burrito?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
