She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
