He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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