Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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