Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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