I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
