Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize