The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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