Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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