Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
