I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
