What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
