i think i have two assholes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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