Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
