Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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