I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
