We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
