cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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