the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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