i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
