I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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