Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
