My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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