Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
A+ Viking dick
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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