the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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