Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
