I think I won the penis lottery.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
