I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
