Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
