there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
