I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
