i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
