More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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