so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
