He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i love accidental penises.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
