You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
