The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
