And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
