My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize