took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
