His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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