Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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