it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
