I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
