I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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