you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
