I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Holy sore nipples Batman
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
