The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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