I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
