matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
