is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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