Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize