trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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