"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I am midnight drunk by noon
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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