I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You made out with two different species that night
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
