new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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