Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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