so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize